


Disguise Self

by Minorobsessions



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Internalized Transphobia, Trans Female Character, Trans Nott, Transphobia, beau jester and yasha make cameos, it's basically a nott character study, the mighty nein - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 20:43:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17926028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minorobsessions/pseuds/Minorobsessions
Summary: No matter how many times they did this Nott always found herself a little unnerved at how charming Caleb could be when he tried. Of course she loved him with every fiber of her (admittedly small) being, but watching him saunter in and lean against the front counter, hip cocked and eyelashes batting across his freckled cheeks as he peered up at the shopkeep, something sour coiled in the pit of Nott’s belly. She wasn’t oblivious, she didn’t need the dirty details to know that Caleb’s so easily breakable skin barely held a raging storm at bay, but in instances like these she couldn’t resist the jealousy that clouded her mind. He played his body like an instrument; he knew exactly which tendons to strum.ORNott asks Caleb to teach her Disguise Self and begins her journey to self-acceptance.





	1. Chapter 1

Nott could tell it was late by the way the candles flickered, wicks almost completely exhausted — much unlike the wizard hunched a few feet away who still furiously scribbled across the pages of his spell book, who could probably do so long after the candles burned themselves out.

Nott should have been fast asleep, burrowed into the tavern’s threadbare blankets, lulled comfortingly by Caleb’s unintelligible mutterings — but tonight her mind whirred along to the rhythm of his scratching quill.

—- —- —-

_It should’ve been an easy job, really. A simple distract and extract scenario. Caleb, needed ink, this shop had ink, and Nott had the skills required to obtain said ink free of charge. All Caleb had to do, face newly scrubbed and coat temporarily prestidigitated, was chat the store clerk up long enough for Nott to crawl in and out of the alley window undetected._

_“Caleb, come on!” Nott whined, batting his hands from his hair, “Before anyone else goes inside. You look fine!”_

_She watched as he heaved a sigh, steeling himself before he stepped out from around the corner. Almost instantaneously, his awkward gate transformed into a confident stride as he approached the shop. Perpetually tense shoulders and fidgety hands turned abnormally lax and purposeful as he rolled his shirtsleeves up to reveal lithe and lean forearms. Hair tied up and teeth glinting from beneath a coy curl of his lip, he turned from Homeless Vagrant to Weathered Scholar in a matter of seconds._

_No matter how many times they did this Nott always found herself a little unnerved at how charming Caleb could be when he tried. Of course she loved him with every fiber of her (admittedly small) being, but watching him saunter in and lean against the front counter, hip cocked and eyelashes batting across his freckled cheeks as he peered up at the shopkeep, something sour coiled in the pit of Nott’s belly. She wasn’t oblivious, she didn’t need the dirty details to know that Caleb’s so easily breakable skin barely held a raging storm at bay, but in instances like these she couldn’t resist the jealousy that clouded her mind. He played his body like an instrument; he knew exactly which tendons to strum._

_She frowned down at her own hands, distracted by the constant sensation that she always floated two inches above herself, like she was the wrong key and, no matter how desperately she tried, she could never quite jimmy the lock._

_It had gotten better ever since meeting Caleb. Her hair, on the rare occasions she untangled it, now fell past her shoulders, and as far as she could tell, Caleb had never questioned who she said she was. He was so clever though. He had his reasons for hiding beneath thick layers of grime and he probably assumed that she did too. She knew he was just too kind to say anything, too caring, and maybe a little too lonely to finally kick her to- She was jolted out of her thoughts as a huffing, red faced Caleb, practically dove back into the alleyway._

_“Caleb? I didn’t see Frumpkin… Did you get the ink?” Nott scampered over to him and began rifling through his pockets._

_“No. No- Stop that!” Caleb hissed, batting her hands away. He squinted a little and rubbed the back of his neck. “I ah…I do not believe I was his type.”_

_“Oh? Oooooh. Really? But…I thought you were everyone’s type.”_

_Caleb chuckled and rolled his eyes, “Thank you, but I think you would be surprised.” He flipped through a few pages of his spell book, then popped his head around the corner and back again. “I do have another idea though.”_

_Before Nott could say anything else the wizard muttered a few arcane words, and with a vertical sweep of his hand there stood a stunning young woman with plush lips and warm brown eyes and two shiny gold braids draped over each shoulder. Wearing calf-high brown boots and a simple leather underbust-corset over a thin white cotton dress, she spun around once._

_“Well?” Asked the woman. Or rather…Caleb?_

_Nott just blinked._

_She had seen Caleb do this before, of course. She knew that he was capable of much more impressive, more powerful magic than this, but Nott was dumbfounded. He had never- He usually changed himself into an unassuming old man, or- Or he just cleaned himself up a bit. He’d never chosen a form this drastic, this…beautiful. Nott reached up to touch one of her, (his?) breasts. Her hand passed through the illusion and landed on the familiar flat pectoral she was used to curling up against on drafty nights or after particularly brutal battles._

_Nevertheless Caleb still reared back. “Nott! …Are you okay?” Nott snatched her hand away and spun around._

_“Yes!” She trilled, her face burning as she scrambled back up to the barrel underneath her window.“Let’s just- Let’s just do this already, okay? I’m waiting for Frumpkin, yeah?”_

_“Yes…” He said, shooting her a questioning look that she pointedly avoided by taking a gulp from her flask. She jerked her head in the direction of the shop’s entrance and he turned around to once again start his routine. It took Frumpkin two angry headbutts to get Nott’s attention when he finally appeared next to her, but she was able to steel herself long enough to get the job done._

—- —- —-

_As they walked back to the Tavern, ink in hand, disguises dropped, and air uncomfortably thick, Caleb cleared his throat._

_“Ah, Nott?” Nott’s ears flicked toward him but she didn’t answer. “It’s just that. Well. That man gave this to me, he said that it would look pretty in my hair.” He held his hand under her nose to reveal a beautiful hair clip with some sort of flower embossed into the center; it shined like gold but was probably just painted copper. Nott’s breath hitched regardless. It was beautiful._

_When she again didn’t respond Caleb sighed and pulled her against a wall and out of the street’s commotion._

_He knelt down in front of her and opened and closed the barrette’s clasp nervously.“Do you maybe want it? I do not plan on looking like that very often, and I just thought that maybe…it would look very good in your hair instead?”_

_Nott could feel her fingers tremble, she might’ve let a wanton whine escape but she couldn’t be sure. Gods, it was so lovely. She almost reached for it, but as soon as her wrist twitched she clamped down on it with her other hand. She thought back to the girl it was meant for. The sweet smile and the sleek hair and the dainty fingers and the slim nose and the breasts and- No. This wasn’t meant for something like Nott. She clenched her hands into fists and took a step back._

_“Thank you, Caleb.” she said as she desperately tried to keep her voice from shaking. “I already have so many bits and baubles though, you know? And with all this traveling it’s getting so hard to lug everything around. Maybe…maybe we could sell it though? So that next time we can actually buy you the ink?” She forced a smile and squeezed his empty hand. “Thank you, though. Really.”_

_“Okay…” Caleb said warily as he slipped the hair clip back into his pocket. He wobbled to his feet and grabbed Nott’s hand. “Are you sure you’re okay, though?”_

_She nodded, but he didn’t let go of her until they met back up with the rest of the Nein at that week’s inn._


	2. Chapter 2

Caleb sighed, closing his book and turning towards the goblin. “I can feel you staring at me, you know.”

Nott squeezed her eyes shut and tried to even out her breathing.

“ _Nott_.” Caleb tried again to no avail. After a few more moments of irritated silence Nott heard a faint _puff_ and felt a lithe furry weight fall on the pillow next to her head. She scrunched up her face as Frumpkin began kneading at her cheek, finally taking the bait when he (she assumed at a _certain someone’s_ command) unsheathed his claws.

“Okay, _okay!_ ” the goblin relented as she shoved the assailant out of her makeshift nest. “What do you want?”

“I think _I_ should be asking that of _you_.” Caleb replied, concern settling on his brow. “You are not okay.”

“Yes I am.” Nott responded immediately, more out of habit than anything else, blinking at him owlishly as she tried to feign innocence.

“That was not a question, Nott.”

“You’re not exactly the picture of mental stability either,” she retorted. Caleb huffed, one part exasperated two parts amused, as Nott sat up pouting.

“Ah I… know I’m at the risk of sounding hypocritical here,” he began tentatively, “but you know that I worry for you. If you maybe want to talk? I could lend an ear?” 

Gods, she hated lying to Caleb, and the truth was if anyone one could help her it was him. _Her_ _boy,_ the brightest person she’d ever known…But even with the level of faith she had in him she still couldn’t be sure this wouldn’t be the straw that broke his back. That _finally,_ he’d come to his senses and she’d be back on the street come morning…But even so…She looked back over to him, seated in the perfect picture of honest concern. In the months they’d traveled together, with the mountain of reasons to leave that Nott seemed to never have trouble providing, he’d always held his coat open for her to snuggle into at the end of the day.

She exhaled and crawled over to him, gnawing on her bottom lip a moment before picking up his spell book and making room for herself in his lap. She flipped through the pages until her eyes caught the words _Disguise Self_ scrawled in Caleb’s regal script. With a jagged claw she traced the letters.

“I- I want to learn to do this,” she said. Her hand went slack in her lap as she twisted to look up at him nervously. He was grinning.

“Ja? You want to learn more magic?” Nott gave a slight nod, and the Caleb flapped his hands excitedly. “Okay, okay. Okay.” He repeated under his breath as he gently pushed her off his lap and scooted forward onto his knees, spinning the book so it sat between them. He immediately began to ramble.

“We have done Mage Hand already, ja? But this is a bit different, it’s Illusion Magic, see?” He tapped an intricately inked rune drawn under the spell’s name. “When we create illusions, usually we aim for ah…a specific effect within the spell, but we can go even deeper than that! Because Illusion Magic is so _intentional_ , we should know our exact reason for even performing, or in this case, learning the spell. So,” he said, voice breaking a little as he tried to catch his breath, “why do you want to learn Disguise Self?” 

Nott pulled her knees to her chest and stared into one of the dancing candle flames. 

“It just seems cool I guess.” She mumbled.

“Well _ja,_ ” Caleb said rolling his eyes, “It is ‘cool’ of course, but if you want the spell to _really work—“_ His words died in his throat as Nott’s body language registered through his fog of excitement. “Nott?” 

“Hmm?” she replied in a light tone. Her eyes still stubbornly followed the flame.

Caleb sat back on his heels and started to wring his hands nervously. “Does this maybe have to do with earlier today?” Nott finally looked at him. The soft stinging behind her eyes building, until it felt like her soul might start to spill through the corners of her tear ducts. She nodded. 

Caleb sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. “You have been so good with not asking _me_ questions, and _I know_ you must have many so I feel awful asking _you,_ and I know you most likely do not want to tell me, and I know I am no good at people but—“

“Caleb- Caleb!” Nott interrupted, rushing over to stop his hands from unconsciously scratching themselves raw. “I- I want to tell you. I want to tell you so badly, but I’m scared.” 

He lifted his head. “Nott _the Brave,_ ” he said firmly, and she smiled sheepishly, “you know I will protect you.” 

“But it’s you I’m scared of!” She exclaimed taking a step back and wrapping her arms around her waist. “Or. Your reaction- I just- I don’t want you to leave.”

Caleb pushed himself up onto his knees and placed a hand on each of Nott’s thin shoulders. “Trust me. Nothing you have done is worse than anything I have done. I am a very intelligent person, ja? And I cannot think of one thing that would scare me away.” She looked up and was shocked to see his bottomless blue eyes staring back, a bit nervous but nevertheless unflinching. She nodded and drew a wobbly breath.

“Well. It’s no secret that I hate this,” she said gesturing across her front, voice crackling as she fought to push each word out. “The- you know, the _goblin thing_.” Caleb nodded in recognition as she spat the last bit out with disgust. “But it’s more than that, okay? I’m not exactly a goblin, and I know I can’t change that.” She said, pausing to dart her gaze to Caleb, and then quickly back to the floor. “But. I’m not exactly a girl either… I mean, _I am,_ but I haven’t always been, or-“ She groaned, frustrated. “It’s just _,_ I _have_ always been a girl, just like I haven’t ever been a goblin.” 

Nott’s bottom lip started to twitch, as she tapered off. She refused to look at Caleb’s face.

“So…” Came Caleb’s voice tentatively, Nott could hear the cogs turning in his brain. “You were born a-“ He paused when he saw her flinch. “Er…I mean. You have, male anatomy then? But despite this, you feel…like you are female?” 

Nott cringed at this utterly _open_ discussion of her…predicament. This wasn’t ever meant to come up. Gods, if she could have just kept quiet. She could feel her lungs starting to heave; it felt like claws were scrabbling against her rib cage. Now that she had let this slip out every other demon suddenly seemed desperate to follow. Her ears started twitching and her fingers curled up to scratch at the grubby bandages wrapped around her palms.

Before she could make a move to step backward, to hole up under the bed and resign herself to a hasty escape in the morning, she felt the calloused pad of a finger brush across her forehead, tucking her tangled hair behind her ear.

“Nott?” Caleb whispered, voice low and eyes cast downward as if dealing with a skittish animal. Nott inwardly huffed, he essentially was, wasn’t he?

It seemed like she both couldn’t begin and couldn’t stop moving. Her whole body shuddered but she couldn’t take a step. Her breath came faster and her vision started to tunnel. She could see Caleb’s lips moving but all she could hear was the rattling of her own bones. _Where was her goddamned flask?_

“Nott, would you please come here? I am not upset. I promise,” said Caleb. His voice was distant and gravely, like leaves on concrete, like he was about to cry. He sat back on his coccyx and opened his arms slowly. 

Nott heard a pathetic whimper fall from her lips and felt her knees buckle. Before she could hit the ground Caleb’s thin but firm arms enveloped her. She hadn’t realized that she was crying until the fabric on his shoulder started to uncomfortably moisten beneath her cheek. 

“You are okay,” she heard him repeat like a mantra in her ear as a tentative hand came to cradle the base of her skull. “You are okay.”

—- —- —-

“You know Molly says he doesn’t feel like a man _or_ a woman.” Caleb said quietly, breaking the past four or so minutes of silence. 

Nott carefully extracted herself from his grasp and wiped at her eyes. “I know but, Molly’s _Molly_. He’s beautiful, he can pull anything off. I’m me, and it’s harder to…be _this_ when it’s not wrapped in a pretty purple package.” 

“You’re-“ Caleb began, but he couldn’t finish before Nott interjected fiercely.

“ _Don’t_ call be beautiful, Caleb. I’m not, so just. Don’t. I don’t need to be pretty, I just want to be me. And. I want to learn Disguise Self to help with that. So, is that enough intention for you?”

The wizard shut his mouth and nodded. “Ja I think so, but I will warn you, you need to start slow. Pick a specific part of the body and focus on that. Make your hair longer, turn you’re eyes blue, it’s much easier to grasp the intricacies of the spell that way.”

“What did you start with?” she asked, and as soon as the words left her mouth a blush started creeping up Caleb’s neck. 

“Well. It isn’t- Uhm…” His eyes shifted to his lap and back up to her so quickly she would have missed it if she wasn’t specifically apt at spotting tiny inconsistencies. 

“CALEB, you _didn’t!_ ” She shrieked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. When Caleb first tried disguise self it was to make his dick bigger. Sorry.


	3. Chapter 3

Jester had called it a girls’ day, had pestered them for hours the night before as she lamented “the importance of strengthening the Nein’s female front!” And really, in the wake of _that_ , what could they do but roll their eyes, begrudgingly endeared, and follow the stout blue fire cracker into one of Zadash’s many bath houses?

—- —- —-

“And! And he’s so _gentlemanly!_ He opens doors for me, and pushes my chair in before I even _get a chance_!” Jester swooned, waving her arms animatedly and causing the water to splash. If Caleb were there he could have confirmed that she’d been at it for exactly 23 minutes.

“So…he has? Common manners?” replied Beau in an unimpressed tone, toned back turned toward the rest of them, head cradled in her form arms.

Jester scoffed. “ _Well_ that’s certainly a unique characteristic in this group!” Beau turned around, lips quirked in an amused smile, no real malice in her expression.

“Jester, I just don’t think you’re Fjord’s… type. Exactly.” 

“Well! What is his type, _exactly?_ ”

“…Men?” 

“And how would you know _that_?” Jester squealed, and at this Beau did laugh.

“Some of us…we can just tell.” 

Jester scoffed again and if Nott were really paying attention she would have caught Yasha, hand locked around her great sword’s shaft, subtly nod in agreement with Beau.

Nott however, wasn’t paying attention. She sat stiffly at the edge of the water. She let Jester tie her hair back, but her ragged black layers had stayed firmly intact. Occasionally she’d dip a toe into the water, swirled it around a bit until her lungs began to tighten and the pang in her chest grew too much to bear. 

She let her friends’ playful tones wash over her as her eyes meticulously tracked Jester’s body. She had already ruled out Yasha, her powerful pectorals too incompatible with Nott’s own spindly form. Jester was closest to Nott in height, but where Nott was hard angles and bird bones Jester toted flesh and warmth. Her breasts hung heavy and inviting, reaching halfway down her ribcage and were topped off with deep blue areolae the size of silver pieces. The sort of chest you could doze against for hours no matter how rocky the wagon ride. Nott was sure the Pillow Trove’s expansive beds and expensive linens couldn’t begin to compare to just resting your head on Jester’s soft breast. She felt a sharp stab of jealousy in her gut studying Jester’s carefree motions, bouncing and splashing and moving so blithely. Her body worked like a symphony, and for Nott to try on those breasts would be like throwing a saxophone into the flute section. 

That just left Beau, arms spread casually and confidently over the pool’s edge, eye’s dancing and smile soft as she too tracked Jester’s animation. With Beau’s lithe chest pointed upward, Nott committed her shape to memory. Small perky breasts rounded out slightly from beneath her sternum, the left a little larger than the right, probably stunted by years of bandage bindings.Nott catalogued the dark downy hairs that encircled her small pert nipples, the purplish mole settled between the under-fold where breast tissue met skin, the subtle sway of flesh when beau stretched or rolled her shoulders. This could work. This could really—

“See something you like, Nott?” Beau asked with a shit-eating smirk plastered across her face; she shimmied her shoulders just the slightest bit and Nott’s cheeks darkened.

“No! It’s just…I think there are two separate hairs growing out of the mole by your boob? It’s like they’re fighting for dominance.” Nott threw back, pulling her feet under her and crossing her arms over her own chest as Beau lifted her right arm and began to examine her body.

“Ooh! Let me pluck them!” Jester shouted throwing herself in Beau’s direction.

“Fuck no- Ow! Jester!”

—- —- —-

That night, Nott stared wide-eyed at her reflection in the dirty mirror, her top half bare and her bottoms hanging low around her jutting hips. Her fingers twitched as remnants of arcane energy still crackled from them. She turned to the side and bounced up to the balls of her feet. She did it again. And again. Her chest, no- her _breasts_ , moved with the rest of her body. She brought her hands up to cup the air a few centimeters away, knowing she’d ruin the illusion if she actually tried to touch. A smile broke out across her face and for once the sight of her jagged fangs didn’t discourage her. She let out a breathless little laugh and spun around, marveling at the physics of this new appearance. 

They were small, smaller in ratio to even Beau’s. No one would be able to tell any difference under her heavy layers and wrappings, but that didn’t matter. This was for her. 

Her hand slid into one of her thigh pockets and her fist closed around something small and delicate. She opened her palm and stared at the little hair clip Caleb had shown her just days before. It glistened in the dim light as Nott carefully examined it between her fingers. 

She had swiped it from his coat that evening as he clung tipsy and distracted to Fjord’s arm. She remembered giggling at that, he deserved a distraction. 

While the rest of the Nein were downing their drinks, Beau and Molly ribbing each other, Yasha trying to braid Jester’s hair with fumbling drunken fingers, Nott had peeled off. Throwing out some excuse or another, not fooling anyone but not particularly caring about it either. 

She thought back to Caleb’s disguise, the daisy faced girl this gift belonged to. She knew she’d never look like that, and she knew she didn’t really want to. She just wanted to feel right, and standing their, goosebumps adorning her naked torso as she reached up and parted her hair, sliding the clip in just above her ear, she thought, maybe, she was starting to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And? That's that? Thank you for reading !! Again, don't be afraid to leave prompts or anything :)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so? Congrats @ me. I imagine this taking place during their first stay in Zadash. I started this before we found out Nott wasn't always a goblin and I honestly...like that story line better, so I guess this is technically AU Canon divergence. Really though it's me being too lazy to tailor my narrative. Anyway! Leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed it, and if you have any requests or prompts for future fics I would love to hear them!


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